Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3
In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9
Keeping these verses in mind, my life seems to have worked out as I've planned. As years go by it seems that I have been able to meet all my goals in life. It started when I was young. I always knew I wanted to be a teacher. Towards the end of high school, my dream was to go to college at a small private school in California, meet my California boy and get married, teach elementary for a few years, and then start a family and be able to stay at home. BAM! It happened. I, of course, don't take the credit... God lined it all up for me. He saw the desires of my heart and chose to give them to me. I'm still amazed at how Cal Baptist came to me, I didn't go searching. Amazed at that that hottie California boy that sat in the back row of my British Literature class freshman year chose me. I'm amazing at the timing of my job and the timing of Shaun's job which allowed me to quite and stay at home. Here's where the story takes a twist though...
When we found out Isaac was a boy I was thrilled and not surprised at all. We only had a boy name picked out (partly because God pretty much gave us his name long before we were even married). Of course the thought of still wanting a girl was burning deep inside me but I knew there would be other chances. I'm not sure when I decided, but at some point I thought that having two boys and then a little girl would be perfect! See the twist!?! When we found out Parker was a boy I had mixed feelings. This was part of my dream, but man, oh, man my chances for a girl were getting smaller and smaller... Would God really continue to give me the desires of my heart with baby number three. I could end here and you would see why finding out that baby number three was a boy hit me so hard.
As I stop to cry my eyes out, I wonder if I should really be this vulnerable with the world. I didn't realize how hard it would be to write this and to see in writing that this dream will never be fulfilled. I'm not disappointed that I'm having a boy, I love my boys, but I'm disappointed that there will never be a girl... Unless God does a mighty "oops" in our family. There are many reasons why this is so hard. The two most popular being... I have saved ALL my dolls, Barbies, and everything pink from childhood just dreaming of the day when I get to pass it down. I also share my middle name with my mom (aunt and cousin) and I was thrilled to be able to share it with a daughter someday.
I'm not writing this for sympathy or for people to think I'm selfish because after all God's done for me I'm not "getting my way" this time... Actually, I'm not really sure why I'm writing this... I guess this is where one day at a time comes in. Yesterday I was fine and excited, but today I'm struggling. On Monday, when Shaun and I watched the DVD (in the truck of the air port parking lot) and found out that there was a boy swimming around inside of me, I cried. Not because it was a boy, but because I saw the big picture... No girl! Then I cried even harder because I was mad at myself for crying. I know my big picture is different than God's and there could be a girl for me someday in His plan. But for now, I'm learning to be content and cherish what I have, not to deny my feelings (trying not to cry only makes me cry harder), and to raise my boys to be perfect gentlemen so that someday they will give me the best daughter in laws in the world! Hopefully Shaun will let me store my dolls in our house for another 30 years... I'm praying for granddaughters!
(FYI: I wrote this yesterday when I was super emotional because I was running on two hours of sleep from the night before. Due to my retarded pregnant hormones, I can not breathe through my nose... AT ALL! It has completely shut down and I am miserable. It does still drip though so you can usually find me with tissues stuffed up my nose. I was referred to an ENT doctor and he pretty much said that there is nothing he can do for me. But wait, it gets better. Because my nose is "broken" it has now shut down my taste and is slowly working on my hearing. Great, huh!? Wonder when I'll go blind! I have tried everything in the book and NOTHING helps. We were supposed to go out with friends last night but canceled because what's the point in paying for food if I can't taste it, I don't really like talking because I sound sick, and was beyond exhausted).