One day at a time...

Now that I have had a couple of days to process the fact that I am going to be living in a house of testosterone for the rest of my life, I think I'm ready to except that challenge! I have had so many ups and downs when trying to look at the big picture so I've decided to take it one day at a time. Let me explain...

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Keeping these verses in mind, my life seems to have worked out as I've planned. As years go by it seems that I have been able to meet all my goals in life. It started when I was young. I always knew I wanted to be a teacher. Towards the end of high school, my dream was to go to college at a small private school in California, meet my California boy and get married, teach elementary for a few years, and then start a family and be able to stay at home. BAM! It happened. I, of course, don't take the credit... God lined it all up for me. He saw the desires of my heart and chose to give them to me. I'm still amazed at how Cal Baptist came to me, I didn't go searching. Amazed at that that hottie California boy that sat in the back row of my British Literature class freshman year chose me. I'm amazing at the timing of my job and the timing of Shaun's job which allowed me to quite and stay at home. Here's where the story takes a twist though...

When we found out Isaac was a boy I was thrilled and not surprised at all. We only had a boy name picked out (partly because God pretty much gave us his name long before we were even married). Of course the thought of still wanting a girl was burning deep inside me but I knew there would be other chances. I'm not sure when I decided, but at some point I thought that having two boys and then a little girl would be perfect! See the twist!?! When we found out Parker was a boy I had mixed feelings. This was part of my dream, but man, oh, man my chances for a girl were getting smaller and smaller... Would God really continue to give me the desires of my heart with baby number three. I could end here and you would see why finding out that baby number three was a boy hit me so hard.

As I stop to cry my eyes out, I wonder if I should really be this vulnerable with the world. I didn't realize how hard it would be to write this and to see in writing that this dream will never be fulfilled. I'm not disappointed that I'm having a boy, I love my boys, but I'm disappointed that there will never be a girl... Unless God does a mighty "oops" in our family. There are many reasons why this is so hard. The two most popular being... I have saved ALL my dolls, Barbies, and everything pink from childhood just dreaming of the day when I get to pass it down. I also share my middle name with my mom (aunt and cousin) and I was thrilled to be able to share it with a daughter someday.

I'm not writing this for sympathy or for people to think I'm selfish because after all God's done for me I'm not "getting my way" this time... Actually, I'm not really sure why I'm writing this... I guess this is where one day at a time comes in. Yesterday I was fine and excited, but today I'm struggling. On Monday, when Shaun and I watched the DVD (in the truck of the air port parking lot) and found out that there was a boy swimming around inside of me, I cried. Not because it was a boy, but because I saw the big picture... No girl! Then I cried even harder because I was mad at myself for crying. I know my big picture is different than God's and there could be a girl for me someday in His plan. But for now, I'm learning to be content and cherish what I have, not to deny my feelings (trying not to cry only makes me cry harder), and to raise my boys to be perfect gentlemen so that someday they will give me the best daughter in laws in the world! Hopefully Shaun will let me store my dolls in our house for another 30 years... I'm praying for granddaughters!

(FYI: I wrote this yesterday when I was super emotional because I was running on two hours of sleep from the night before. Due to my retarded pregnant hormones, I can not breathe through my nose... AT ALL! It has completely shut down and I am miserable.  It does still drip though so you can usually find me with tissues stuffed up my nose. I was referred to an ENT doctor and he pretty much said that there is nothing he can do for me. But wait, it gets better. Because my nose is "broken" it has now shut down my taste and is slowly working on my hearing. Great, huh!? Wonder when I'll go blind! I have tried everything in the book and NOTHING helps. We were supposed to go out with friends last night but canceled because what's the point in paying for food if I can't taste it, I don't really like talking because I sound sick, and was beyond exhausted).  

Enough said...

 At only five ounces and just shy of 16 weeks, baby #3 is a........

Even though I am terribly (beyond) sad that I will never paint pink stripes and flowers on a wall or play with babies and barbies and enjoy afternoon tea parties, I do think it is so rad to say that, "Yes, I have three boys!!!" 

More thoughts, feeling, and how this all went down to come... Just didn't feel right to leave you hanging for too long!

Baby #3: Boy or Girl...

This may look like an ordinary picture of Isaac and Parker BUT it's actually much, MUCH more than that. It's actually a picture of my three kids... One is just hidden and sealed in Isaac's hands. Yes, in Isaac's hands is a video that shows the gender of Baby Higgins #3. It is killing me... I just want to rip it open and see whether we are getting a girl or another boy, but I can't. The boys and I are in Arizona and we have to wait 'til we fly home tomorrow so we can watch it with Shaun. Even though I may be nuts by tomorrow, there is no way I would leave him out of this process.

I have so many mixed feelings. I'm obviously craving a girl BUT I won't be disappointed if it's a boy. I've been praying like crazy for God to make me content if this were to be another boy and today He did that for me. As I was leaving the ultrasound I stopped by the store. I saw a mom with two boys, a little older than mine, and in her cart was a baby carrier. As she passed me I saw that it was another boy. I almost started crying because I thought it was so cool! It made me feel guilty and selfish for wanting a girl so badly. Boy or girl, this baby will be a blessing!

Note to family: You don't need to call or text every five seconds to see if we know yet. You will be the FIRST to know and you will know SOON after we find out. I know you're ALL beyond excited but I want this to be a special "pressure free" time. ;)

Happy Valentine's Day!

Super Random

This is a very random post. I don't really have much to talk about, but figured I would put up a few cute pictures. Things have slowed down since the cold season hit our house! Yeah... last week... not so good! Days, for the most part, have been the "usual." Two little boys running around the house, entertaining their parents. Life should start to get interesting again tomorrow... We're going to Sea World! (disclaimer:  We typically would be going to church, like we do every Sunday, but we have friends in from Oregon and this was the only day they could go. We figured we could sing praise songs on the way!)

My boys love books, especially when daddy is reading to them. Oh, does anyone know where we can get the movie The Lion King? We can't find it anywhere!

Parker playing hide and seek. He's actually pretty good at it!

Isaac used to be our clean kid but ever since he started working with daddy in the garage, he's gone to the dark side.

Shaun and I actually went on a date! It's been a while. My Mops group has a date night every year called Mops & Pops and this years theme was A Night in Paradise (as you can tell paradise was Hawaii, not Glamis). It was so much fun. Shaun totally embarrassed me when he had to get up on stage and dance like a crazy native in two grass skirts... Two skirts because he of course he had to put one on his head.  To make up for it though we won a camera, a massage, and a gift card to a restaurant (I forget which one). And for all those that have been asking (Shannon and Sarah)... This is the best belly picture you're going to get. I can't justify posing for pictures at only 14 weeks! Even though I do have a belly... You're just going to have to wait a little longer! :)

Paradise?

Last weekend we spent three days in paradise... Shaun's paradise. We were surrounded by hills and mountains of dirt for miles and miles. This was obviously not my paradise because all this sand never met up with any water, there were Thorny shrubs instead of luscious green palm trees and we wore helmets and gloves instead bathing suits and flip flops... But I guess if you like smelling gas and oil and waking up and going to sleep to engines roaring, Glamis is the place for you too! Oh how Shaun and I make our marriage work is a mystery to me! ;)

I must admit that I wasn't miserable and that it makes it all worth it when I see my boys having such a great time. Isaac was probably on the quads the most. As soon as one person was done giving him a ride, he would hop down and go ask someone else to take him. We went with Shaun's family and other fireman families so he had a lot of people to beg from! Parker was quite fond of the "motors" and definitely got his fair share of rides in as well. Shaun... Well... He was like a little kid on Christmas morning...

Didn't matter which way we were turned... This was the only back drop!:)

Part of the gang heading out for a morning ride (Isaac and Parker didn't get to go on these rides)

Shaun's dream car!

Isaac was doing one of three things: Sitting/riding a bike, playing in the dirt (not pictured), or finding little red Nemo eggs in the sand (aka: little BBs)

Parker spent his time doing a variety of things: Running in the sand, being pulled in the sand, playing with the dogs in the sand, pretending to drive in the sand, and rolling around half naked (in the trailer, not the sand), while eating marshmallows!

The boys with Papa, Aunties, Uncle, and Daddy

I think Parker agreed with me... This place was just too dirty!

Isaac on the other hand put up a fight when it was time to leave.

People brought their Christmas trees for firewood! AMAZING!

And last but not least... My Super Glamis Brothers (Thanks Ammah for the shirts)!